flesh

skin
flesh
pressed stretched
breathing shallow
breathing deep
mind and body
mines to give
yours to touch

Celebrating the Debut

I celebrated my 29th birthday on Friday. Unashamedly, I shall say, I spent most of the day in tears. I felt just crazy over emotional. I would write more about that but since I can't even conjure up a reason for the rivers of tears. I'm just going to say I'm happy to be alive.

Decisions Decisions Decisions

Monday, May 18, 2009
Decisions Decisions Decisions Current mood: contemplative Category: Life

I reluctantly came back from Trinidad on Saturday. While on the island I had an enormous amount of time to think and evaluate and re-evaluate my life and the decisions I have made, the dreams I've sacrificed, and the hopes I still have. I realized that I am a person with no home. I have lived more that half my life in America, but I am not American. I am Trinidadian but had not been home in 11 years prior to my recent visit. The life I have been carving for myself in America has always felt lacking in some way. I love the elements of my life i.e. my job, my family, my friends, etc., but together they don't create a complete picture of what I want for my life. It is good to return to your roots to remember who you were, are and can be. I have been feeling like I had to make choices; Do I want to be happy or successful? Do I want to be disloyal to others or true to myself? There is always an either/or or a me/others choice. And I always choose others over myself not thinking clearly that if I sacrifice myself for the cause then there is no "me" to give, just a body. Perhaps I should be more afraid of disappointing myself than disappointing others.
KAM

Bring Me to Life

"Then into it He blew the breath of life, And man became a living soul. Amen. Amen." (The Creation by James Weldon Johnson)

I was a gift. Once shiny and brand spanking new, now dull and tossed aside. Ravaged by time and thoughtlessness. I was once a gift. Full of wonder and available to the curious, until familiarity bred contempt. I was once a gift. Hopes and dreams danced in my eyes. Now they are cloudy and the vision is blurred. So do I perish or do I persist? Am I going to be the victim or the victorious? The struggles with self feel like quicksand, and acceptance feels like defeat. Excellence is calling out but is so evasive in this heavy fog of expectation, guilt, disappointment. I can't even see where to step. There are no more tears to expel, no more sighs to leave my lungs. Lord, let the next breath I take be yours, so that my soul may live.

The Mirror Effect

The examination oneself can prove the be a daunting, but productive task. I am without a doubt issue ridden and full of pain, but it has not stayed my pursuit of a life beyond those points. I hope for the best, I live in faith and I push my envelop. The mirror serves to show us the we we are now, but it also reflects the possibility for the future.
This morning I looked in the mirror and for the first time ever I saw age on my face. I was startled, and unamused. That was about 6 am, and I have not looked since, but I am hoping at my next inspection my youthful glow would have returned to me. The image I saw this morning has been haunting me, lurking with thoughts of a passing life, failure, sadness. However, as I was writing this blog I began to think about the positive possibilities that await me. Because although my reflection show me here now, I don't have to stay, I can change the future. Not with any hocus-pocus and poof it is all good, but if I change my attitude I change my life.