Living the Dream!

What is living the dream? What the freak is my dream? What is that thing that I want to accomplish? I recently woke up with time on my hands, and no dream, and that scared and depressed me. I don’t think it was that I never had a dream, it was just that I has backburnered it for so long that I no longer remembered what it was or felt instinctual about anything.

After I was hit for six with my lack of employment I hit up the usual spots for a job. I searched within my field I searched out of my field but I felt nothing but unemployable. I was feeling quite low especially as I mulled over my resume, I have had a few jobs since graduation, all different but I saw them as opportunities to build myself and great skill set. However I committed the last four to five years to helping a faith-based non-profit grow. And this is where I messed up because objectives were not clearly outlined by me or them, until everything became and huge mess and I began to feel resentment about being there, so although I was surprised that they let me go I was not unhappy with the decision. I was now free to figure out what I wanted to do and pursue it, however I did not know where to start.

Like I said earlier I scoured all the common places to find a job. And I really began to feel desperate. The last time I was without a job was 2005 and that was only for a moment. I actually thought about suicide, but I chided myself when I thought about how my family in Trinidad would react to the news, seeing as though we just lost our grandmother, and I was certain she would be so disappointed in me. So that was a no go. Then I went to see my high school guidance counselor, she has always been a great source for advice and motivation, and I needed a major shot in the arm. We chatted and had lunch, but I did not feeling as buoyant as I thought I would feel after talking to her. I guess I was playing emotional vampire that day, but that did not work. But she did give me a piece of advice that I mulled over for the next week, “Get a job, just do something.”

What I realized during my week of mulling was that my attitude to my job pursuit was all wrong. I was operating from a negative head space. I had not really shed my previous negative work experience. It is in this time of crisis I really began to pick myself apart and confront things inside of me, some pretty others not so pretty. Oh and I am by no way done, but what I realized about myself is that I allowed the situation to become toxic by not being honest with myself, not speaking up, not being clear, and by being fearful. Fear is paralyzing and I know it to be the source of all these issues. So first thing first is that I had to abolish my fear. I do this by asking myself, “Why am I fearful?,” when I begin to feel the fear rising. Everytime I do this I am instantly conscious of myself and the power within that eliminates the fear.

“Get a job, just do something.” What something? What are my skills? I have been a Lab Technician, an Environmental Science Teacher, a Transportation Planner, a Community Organizer, an Event Planner, a Kindergarten and Toddler Teacher, a Non Profit Consultant, but what can I now? Would I be content flipping burgers at McDonalds? If I did decide to flip burgers at MickyD’s, it would be to what end? Because let’s face it that is not a career choice I want to make, but if I did do it, it would be to satisfy some objective. To make money now so I can save to live the dream. Son of a gun! We are right back where we started. I thought so too until I was about to fill in the blank with something. The dream.

It slowly began to take shape and form in my mind again. This wonderful thing I had forgotten. The dream. My dream. Not my life plan, but the goal to which I must work. I will reveal what it is at a later date, but there is take away from this, not only that I remembered the dream, but I remembered to believe in myself and trust the talents that the Lord gave me. Also, it ‘aint ova’ ‘til it’s ova’.

Bless