It is often said that we are the sum of our experiences, they make us or break us. I guess that is true, but more often that not I find myself fighting, struggling against bring drowned by a life I don't want or not ready to accept. My friends are getting married, having, babies, dying, etc. and I am on the outside of the world feeling absolutely lost. I feel like I should want those things too, and for a better part of me I do, but then my ability to engage has been greatly diminished by my years of not doing it.
My best friend died a few weeks ago, and I have not fully grieved for her. I am scared to. I forget sometimes she is dead and go to call her or FB her or something, then I remember and my heart aches, but I must steel myself. Since the year has started I have lost 3 important people in my life; my great-uncle: Leon, my grandmother and Kelli my bestie. The sum of all that grief has me numbing myself, and thinking what is the point of it all. Each one lived such different lives and I loved them for the same reason, they made me feel like I mattered. Even when I acted the fool they were always there. My grandmother and great-uncle loved long full lives, Kelli had just given birth to her first child and future looked so promising. I just don't know how to dust myself and keep moving on. I feel like I am not me. I am just doing what needs to be done, working putting on events, grinding, when all I want to do is scream. But how can I when one must act with decorum and grace at all times. I just wanted to purge these thoughts from my head.
